The Reds Have Arrived

Spring is here and the reds have arrived!

The red trillium plants are growing in the woodlands.
The maple sap is running (and dripping) and the red maple trees are showing a red glow at the tips of their branches.
The cardinals are happily singing in the trees.

In the sunny spots, the crocus are blooming in whites, yellows, purples and stripes; the anenome are fully opened; the daffodils, hyacinths, and tulips are beginning to blossom; the forsythia and mucronolatum azalea have just opened; the wood poppy and bleeding heart are showing many buds; the magnolia and peach trees are covered with buds.

In the shady places, the plants and flowers are beginning to appear. I can see the tips of many Jack-in-the-Pulpit plants starting to peep out of the ground. Today I counted 116 red trillium buds and 23 white trillium buds, with more plants that have yet to uncurl their leaves; also 14 dog-tooth violets; 4 flowering shoots of 'Dutchman's Breeches' which haven't bloomed for 2 years; 7 bloodroot flowers; 25 columbine plants, and a similar number of cardinal flower plants.

Now about that bloodroot. I wrote last year (on my 3rd blog entry in May 2008) about the sudden disappearance of the bloodroot from my garden. And in the area where it disappeared, where there were over 50 plants just 2 years ago, there are still NO SIGNS of the plant at all. And yet, across the yard near my trillium there have always been a few bloodroot plants (including last year), and this year there are 7 beautiful white, daisy-like flowers.

The sky has been blue all week, the grasses are greening, and the reds have arrived. It is a symphony of color, all to celebrate the arrival of spring.

Multiple Myeloma Treatment -- Saying Emphatic 'NO' to a Double Bone Marrow Transplant

One thing I do know is that doctors don't know everything. A good doctor will admit this. Some doctors like to think they do know everything, including what will happen to you if you do this or that, or don't do this or that. And yet, they cannot predict the outcome of a particular treatment for a disease, or specify a prognosis for an individual other than statistically.

So when the doctors in Arkansas at the Myeloma Institute for Research and Therapy recommended last May that I undergo a double bone marrow transplant, I asked why. They told me the only way I would be cured was if I got a double bone marrow transplant. And yet, on further questioning, it turned out that not all patients who underwent the double bone marrow transplant that they specialize in was actually cured. I did ask what the mortality rate for the transplant was, and I was told by the doctor that is was 1%. But when I went home to read the literature they provided, I learned that I hadn't been told the whole story.

Yes, the mortality rate for the bone marrow transplant is 1%, if one is talking only about that piece of the procedure. But the overall procedure includes first killing all of the bone marrow with heavy duty chemo, and the mortality rate for that was given as 4%. Then 1% for the transplant. And then they did the procedure again, with chemo, for which there was a 3% mortality on the second try (for the people who got that far). So given all of these percentages (based on 2005 data), the overall mortality rate for the double bone marrow transplant procedure is 8%.

So then I asked the doctor, "Why would I elect a procedure that would have a 1 in 12 chance of killing me, especially when there is no guarantee of a cure?" The doctor answered by telling me that the statistics are much better now, 3 years later, with an overall mortality from the procedure of 3% rather than the 8% quoted in the literature. And I still say -- "OK, with a procedure that has a 1 in 33 chance of killing me, why would I elect to do it?"

There are no guarantees in life, except that life will end. We like to think that we are immortal, and doctors like to think that they have the power to give life, but they are not in charge. They are certainly not in charge of me.

Part of learning whether a double bone marrow transplant is truly helpful to patients should involve following a sample of people who elect the procedure, and comparing them with a sample of people who do not. But when my mother asked the question, "What about the people who did not have the double bone marrow transplant -- how long did they live?", the doctor answered that there was no current data on these people. While the doctors could show that people who survived the double bone marrow transplant would live longer than myeloma patients used to live without the transplant, the doctors couldn't tell me how patients fare these days with newer treatments other than the bone marrow transplant.

In my own oncologist's words, a double bone marrow transplant is overkill. "If you survive the procedure, you will live longer." And I say, "Longer than what?" Certainly longer than if I were to die from the procedure. It's not like I can clone myself and find out what would happen if I do this, or what would happen if I do that. I must choose a course that I am comfortable with. Not the course that a particular doctor wants, because a doctor does not have to live with the consequences of my choice. I do. And I was told that it would take about 6 months for the overall double bone marrow transplant procedure, and then about 1 year for the body to recover. For the people who live through it.

And right now, at this time in my life, I choose quality of life in the present moment. I am face to face with my mortality. I know I will not live forever. None of us know what will claim our life, or when our last breath will be. Just that it will be.

And I will forgo the chemicals and creating a battle ground inside my body. For I choose to live in peace. Loving all of myself. Accepting that which I face. Not being afraid of it, or of what life has to offer. And I have never been so happy, so clear, so at peace and at ease with my life and my choices as I am now. For I know that I am always at choice to make a new choice, for I am the one who is creating my life.

Grateful for the Gifts of Spring

Welcome spring!

This week we have not only transitioned to spring (in the northern hemisphere) in an astronomical sense, with the passing of the Vernal Equinox, but weather-wise we have moved out of winter. What had been a snow-covered yard is now bare of the white stuff, and showing evidence of sprouting green things all over the place. The ground is mostly brown, but the gardens are full of buds of day lilies, daffodils, crocus, lily of the valley, red trillium, and more things that I can never remember the names of. Within the next few weeks, I will see an explosion of color and blossoming all around me.

But even before the snow melted, the gallanthum (common name 'snow drops') were blooming through the snow. Back around March 8, just 2 weeks ago, there were over 30 gallanthum flowers blooming in my yard, and 2 days ago I counted 77. A few of the purple crocus that are in a sunny spot have also opened, although the squirrels must be hungry because they nibbled on a few blossoms to taste the fresh flowers.

When spring arrives, I am grateful for so many things! I am grateful for the warmth of the Sun, I am grateful for the melting of the snow, I am grateful for the blooming of the flowers, I am grateful for gardens to nurture, and I am especially grateful for my increasing health and strength.

And I am also grateful for the crowds of visitors who joined me at the Sunwheel for sunrise and sunset on the Equinox to witness the passing of the seasons. For the first time in 2 years, I was able to lead 2 days of sunrise and sunset gatherings for the public at the Sunwheel, and over that time there were over 160 people who attended the Sunwheel events. So my body has healed sufficiently that I have the strength and energy to do what I love. We saw the Earth's shadow setting before sunrise on March 20 and 21, and both days we also saw the sunrise, we saw geese flying, we saw the sunset, we saw the Earth's shadow rising after sunset, and we saw beautiful colors in the sky caused by thin clouds dancing above us. The Universe put on a show which we were able to witness.

This year, 2009, is the International Year of Astronomy (IYA), and as one of the many IYA activities available to the public, I will be producing podcasts on each of the equinoxes and solstices to teach about the characteristics of that day. The March Equinox podcast aired yesterday, on March 21, and you can access it through the "365 Days of Astronomy" website, and then scroll down to the date March 21. Just after the title of my podcast "March 21 -- The March Equinox: All Latitudes Are Illuminated", you can follow the link labeled "Listen using our podcast player". To get to the website, follow this link.

Life is definitely a roller coaster, and full of lessons and gifts every day. My days are full, as I focus on caring for my health, observing the flowering of my gardens and the astronomical dance of the Universe. My prayer is that I be at ease with what I face, trust the Universe and have faith that all is well, and that is my prayer for you as well. Happy spring!

Guidance from the Universe

Have you ever sought guidance from the Universe using Runes? I have been using them for a dozen years or so, and they are wonderful. A set of 25 Runes, with an accompanying book describing the significance of each one. We are told that consulting the oracle of the Runes is equivalent to consulting the oracle of the Self.

So this past month I have picked Runes, about once each week. The first Rune I picked, while asking in my mind the question, "What guidance was most helpful to me in my life right now?", was the Rune Dagaz -- the Rune of Transformation, Breakthrough, and Day. Then the next week I picked another Rune -- putting my hand inside the bag and focusing on the same question. And this time I picked .... the same Rune, Dagaz, the Rune of Transformation & Breakthrough. That was remarkable, and it doesn't happen often, but it has happened before.

From the Book of Runes, this indicates the following:
-- Dagaz signifies a breakthrough in the process of self-change, a transformation in attitude;
-- the timing is right, so the outcome is assured, although not from this vantage point, predictable;
-- in every life there comes at least one moment which, if recognized and seized, transforms that life forever;
-- rely on radical trust, even if that means leaping empty-handed into the void;
-- with this Rune, one's warrior nature reveals itself;
-- a major period of achievement and prosperity is often introduced by this Rune, the darkness is behind & daylight has come;
-- considerable hard work is involved in a time of transformation, so undertake to do it joyfully.

This seemed like a wonderful message for me, especially the part about undertaking the work of transformation joyfully, and relying on radical trust.

Then 2 nights ago I picked another Rune, again asking the Universe what message would be most helpful for me to hear at this time. I sat in contemplation, opened the bag of Runes, put my hand in, and randomly selected a Rune from the center of the pile. I opened my eyes, and when I saw the Rune I had picked, I burst out laughing. It was ... you guessed it, Dagaz again -- the Rune of Transformation, Breakthrough, and Day.

It is at times like these that I am grateful for being on a conscious spiritual journey. It was tremendous fun to realize that the guidance I am getting from the Runes not only helps me, but brings joy to my days. I wonder what Rune I will pick next?

For right now, anyway, I don't need any more guidance. I get the message. I will undertake the work of transformation joyfully. And trust the Universe.

Today's Guidance

As I sat in meditation today, in my mind I asked for guidance in my life, and then I listened.

This is what I heard:

1) Let go of fear.
2) Claim courage to act and be -- in spite of all challenges.
3) Be inspired by the energy of the challenges.
4) Express gratitude and love every day.
5) Pray every hour.
6) Enjoy life every minute.

And so I was reminded that 'e-motion' is energy in motion. And whatever emotion I feel, I can channel that energy for my highest good.

Advice to Myself for Challenging Times

As my spine heals from collapsing due to multiple myeloma, and as my body gains strength from activity, I am growing emotionally stronger as well. And having asked the Universe that my life lessons no longer come through my body, I find that the Universe has granted my request. Yet, I still face some very challenging situations. I am grateful that these situations do not include severe physical pain or limitation of physical activity or the malfunctioning of various bodily systems, and yet these situations cause a great deal of stress, and I feel their impact on my well-being.

So after I did my physical therapy this morning and got out of bed and had my delicious cup of Earl Grey tea, I started to give myself some suggestions as to how to face the challenging situations before me. And after the first 3 things I told myself, I decided to write it all down. I called the list "Advice to Myself for Challenging Times". Here is the list.

1) Speak your truth.
2) Be guided by actions unattached to outcomes.
3) Live in the present moment.
4) Let go of the need to convince anyone of anything.
5) Look around -- express gratitude, see beauty, & feel ease, calm, peace & love.
6) Pray and ask for help.
7) Trust the Universe. Have faith -- that all is as it should be.
8) Let ease be the container within which you live your days.
9) Follow your heart's passion.
10) Meditate -- be still -- and release what no longer serves you.

So during the in between times, when the challenges loom large over me, I read this list to myself and I feel better. I feel stronger. I pray for courage and strength. And I feel joy. And I know, deep down inside, that I am loved, that I am blessed, and that I am grateful to be alive.

A New Perspective

Last Friday night, I was preparing to give a power point talk on the Sunwheel at the first session of the weekend program I led on "Astronomy, Spirituality & the Mayan Prophecy" at the Rowe Camp and Conference Center. I had tested the digital projector in advance, and everything seemed to be in working order.

So I powered up my computer and the projector, and began my introduction to the talk. I was explaining that back in 1992, I went to a 2-week long camp for women led by Brooke Medicine Eagle in western Montana, and there I found a Sunwheel on former Blackfeet Indian territory. And as I spoke, the digital projector went blank and the screen became dark. "Oh no!" I cried. So I kept talking, and fiddled with the projector at the same time, hoping the images would return. As I spoke, I went on to explain that back in 1992 I was active as a research scientist, yet I knew there was more to the Universe than meets the eye. I wanted to experience the larger picture -- that part of the Universe that science cannot explain -- so I was headed for a vision quest during this 2-week long camp. And as I said this to the group last Friday night, the picture returned on the digital projector -- but this time it was upside down! "Oh no -- I've never seen this before!" I cried.

Now, as I faced this inverted picture, I knew it was slightly better than a blank screen, but was still not going to work for giving my talk. And for a fleeting second I noted to myself that the Universe was playing with me -- showing me that there is more to the Universe than meets the eye, and that sometimes it can even be upside down! Here before my eyes was a shining example of something science cannot explain, which was exactly what I went on my vision quest to experience. And I kept speaking, and Gene turned off the projector and turned it back on again -- and the picture was fine.

For the rest of the evening, and for the rest of the weekend, there were no other problems with the digital projector. Just during my introduction that first evening. I will never forget seeing the image of my power point slides upside down. I did jokingly attempt to turn my computer upside down, hoping it would re-invert the image. And for whatever reason it temporarily misfired, I am grateful that the projector ultimately worked. After all, I had a lot of beautiful pictures to show the group. And I will never forget the sense that I was experiencing the magical, even for just a moment, when my words about why I was headed off for a vision quest were matched with a never-before-seen upside down picture on my computer.

But there was a lesson in it, also. Humor is an important teacher, like having images upside down. And even though I rely on the computer in my talks, I would have been able to survive without it.

And in seeing the pictures upside down, we were being given a unique perspective. After all, sometimes it takes a new perspective for us to get the whole picture.